Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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