I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
