So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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