The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
