no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
