Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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