Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
