It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
