see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
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Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
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I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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