i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
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