i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
