is your mom at the bar?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
this just has baby written all over it
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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