I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Too much gin, very little bucket
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
