Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
