I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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