All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
