Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
