she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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