What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
