My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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