i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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