She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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