The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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