I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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