i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
