I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Girls should come with a carfax report
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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