I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
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