i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
