I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I didn't notice because vodka
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
