your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
