Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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