i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
