We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
But we have bathrooms and they dont
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
