Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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