i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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