i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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