Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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