currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
