I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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