then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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