Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
