either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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