He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
