I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
