What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
me + whiskey = a bad person
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
