i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
