wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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