I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
