I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize