I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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