i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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