lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Randomize
