they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize