i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
