last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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