You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
