My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
