Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
